Scaryduck: Not Scary. Not a Duck

Swearing on TV: Not big, not clever: I fear I may have blown my chance for TV stardom again. There I was, doing a bit of window shopping in town, when I was brutally accosted by a camera crew filming a TV commercial for Walkers Crisps.

"Eat some of the crisps", said the rather too happy girl with the mic, "and tell the camera what you think. Be honest."

So I did. A great big cheek-bulging mouthful, trying, but failing to stop myself from spitting half-chewed lumps of deep-fried potato at the lens, I spoke my brains. "They're fookin' ace."

Obviously, I'm not going to get on the prime-time advertising slot. Not unless they do a Tourette's Syndrome special. I've been on TV before. It's grossly over-rated.

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