In the meantime, you'll be pleased to hear that I have been ordained into the Universal Life Church as a priest, just like every other bandwagon jumper on the internet. They'll take anyone, including lying, scheming sexual deviants like myself who'd sell their own granny for a can of beer. I am now a reformed character, and that business with the church funds was just a big mistake. The money was just resting in my bank account before I gave it to those African orphans, that's all.
It turns out that I am now entitled, under US law to perform weddings, baptisms, funerals and blessings. But not circumcisions, I've reluctantly, I've put my rusty garden shears back in the shed. For an extra fee, you can even choose your own title, right up to ArchBishop, but in true Father Ted style, I shall remain a priest. Funnily enough, the whole idea of the priesthood does make you a better person. I even gave up surfing for porn. For a bit.
To keep you going for a bit, he's a small list of useless internet tat I've picked up in the last week or so. Use it wisely.
* Are you a bastard? Take the Bastard Test. I am 67% bastard, of which 38% is "tard". Result.
* Which dictator are you? I am Fidel Castro. Could've been worse, a lot of people I know are George W Bush. The poor bastards.
* Learn to speak like Inpector Clouseau. Use it in everyday conversation. "I 'ave fixed your dorrbell from ze ringing. Zere is no charge."
* Get a your own puppet! Quite the most frightening page on the internet. Even worse than that fella who dresses up as Peter Pan, and that's saying something.
* And finally, all the proof you need that you watch far too much TV. A celebration of Television clocks, and far, far, worse TV test cards and music. Life, somehow, has passed these poor people by.
Catch you all in May. I'm off to think of a new answer to the US Customs question "Do you intend to harm the president?", the response "Sole purpose of visit" likely to get me into a small, windowless office with a large gentleman wearing latex gloves...