Mystic Megson, the footballing astrologer says "Southampton for the Cup", the bloody fraud. What's in store for you for the month of May? Take our advice - just don't make any firm plans for June.
Aries: The common goldfish. Sweet, harmless, never a threat to life or limb. Still, you’ll have another nine fingers, so I wouldn’t worry if I were you. Just watch out for the flesh-eating bacteria - hours of endless fun!
Lucky chicken: Foghorn Leghorn
Taurus: Destiny sees you held hostage by desperate members of 80’s beat combo “Bucks Fizz”. Whatever happens, just don’t let them leave you alone with Cheryl Baker.
Lucky biro: Bic
Gemini: An encounter with a mad scientist sees your genes spliced with those of Manchester United footballer Ryan Giggs. Just don’t leave the house until your lifetime’s supply of Immac arrives
Lucky DIY warehouse: B&Q
Cancer: With the sun in Uranus, it’s only a matter of time before your boss sees the positive energies you’re putting into your work and gives you the financial rewards you deserve. Only joking. It’s Ebola again.
Lucky country: Qatar
Leo: It’s a lucky, lucky news week for you! You will be appointed the new Iraqi Information Minister.
Lucky cheese: Jarlsberg
Virgo: Is there life after death? Are the living able to communicate with those on the other side? Look, we don’t want to alarm you, but when you get the chance, knock twice.
Lucky President: Calivin Coolidge
Libra: With the moon rising in Uranus, your life will descend into the cruel parody of a country and western song. Keep your pecker up - prison food isn’t as bad you you think, and Big Bubba’s just dying to share a cell with you.
Lucky marsupial: Kangaroo
Scorpio: Congratulations! You’ve won second prize in a beauty contest - a season ticket to see Celine Dion’s Las Vegas show. Sorry about that.
Lucky dictator: Alexander Lukashenka
Sagittarius: You would have thought that giant killer robots from space are the thing of science-fiction comics and the imagination of small boys and George Lucas. In your final, very painful moments, you may like to reflect on the pleasing fact that humanity is not alone in the universe.
Lucky Dr Who: Tom Baker
Capricorn: Devil worshippers, dark rituals invoking evil creatures from the darkest pits of hell and blood-drinking human sacrifice. If I was you, I’d give the Hamilton’s cheese and wine evening a miss.
Lucky Tweenie: Jake
Aquarius: Andy Warhol once commented that “everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes”. In this context, your twenty-seven years as “the elastic foreskin man” does seem a little unfair.
Lucky Devon town with an exclamation mark: Westward Ho!
Pisces: Biblical showers of fish. People just don’t seem to appreciate the pain of being hit by a rock salmon dropped from a height of 20,000 feet, so it may come as a surprise to you for a very, very short time.
Lucky cutlery: Spoon
If it’s your birthday: People will talk about your birthday party for weeks and months to come. Don’t worry, we’ll record the Newsnight specials and pass them on to what reamins of your family. Who’d have thought one clown would have such an appetite for human brains? Live and learn.
"URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSAL"
URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA
IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED: HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH 202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111 FAX: 202.456.2461
DEAR SIR / MADAM,
I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE
YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I
CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO
HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE
TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM
I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR
ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE
REPUBLIC OF IRAQ....
The rest of this gem can be found here. As soon as I get my money from Nigeria, I'm gonna get me some herbal Viagra.
Bollocks to this, I'm off up to London for a couple of all-expenses-paid days with these lovely people, mixing it with the cream of international broadcasting. I may post stuff here, but then again, it'll probably be a horrible nasal whine about how nasty/smelly/expensive my former home town has got and why I chose to bugger off and live by the sea.
Tell you what. There are a fair few Scaryduck stories in various stages of preparation. Pick a number between one and thirty-three, and the mystery story will be the next one published. Hint: Numbers four and twenty feature loud explosions and the destruction of private property, while number twenty-eight will undoubtedly feature the phrase "vinegar strokes". Conversely, numbers thirty-one and thirty-two both conclude with hideous rectal injuries and are not for the faint-hearted. Choose-o!