Monday, January 28, 2008

On several things that I have done in the last week or so

On several things that I have done in the last week or so

Several things I have done in the last week or so:

* sold my house for considerably less than the asking price

* bought a house for considerably less than the asking price

* found out that the people who bought my house for considerably less than the asking price didn't really want to buy my house at all

* ranted and raved at the people who are no longer buying my house for considerably less than the asking price, saying they deserve to have a poo shoved through their letter box, it being the only language that kind of person understands

* decided to revive the forgotten art of pooing through letterboxes, because it is the only language that kind of person understands

* procured a milk crate and a large aluminium funnel in order to achieve the optimum angle of entry for same

* alerted British Olympic committee of my availability for same in 2008 Beijing Games

* discovered that sneezing whilst trying to hold in an enormous poo is A Very Bad Thing, it being the kind of language that my bottom does not understand

* used the phrase 'The day I give up wanking is the day they prize my cock from my cold, dead fingers' in an email to polite company

* discovered a big red button in my car that says "Do not press", which I pressed

The car stopped, and I found I didn't need the presence of some random letterbox to crap myself, for it was the electronic ignition cut-off. Which was, in retrospect, why they had hidden it behind a great big panel in the first place.

Live and learn.

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