Thursday, February 28, 2008

Condensed Films: Star Trek II

Condensed Films: Star Trek II

Good grief, this one's been on the drawing board for about three months, but here it is at last. The cinematic action adventure to end them all, condensed down to 1,000 easy-to-read words for today's educationally challenged youth and a new wave of Daily Star reading, Nuts TV-viewing web users. Enjoy.


Star Trek II: TEH WRATH OV KHN

Krk: Spc. Teh final frntr. Deez r teh vygs f teh Strshp Ntaprz onna 5yr mssn 2 sk out new life n cvlzashuns. 2 bldly go whr no mn hs gon b4

Spck: Pardon?

McCoy: I'm a doctor not a homosexualist.

Krk: Whateva. LOL

Chkov: Hello. I am Chkov and I am excellent. Today, I have found an uninhabited planet for a secret scientific test. Also: nuclear wessels. Oh. There are ppl here.

Khn: Hello!

Chkov: ONOZ! It iz KHN! Plz to not put worm in ear! Oh. Ouch. Khn is excellent. Khn is excellent. Must kll Krk.

Khn: LOL. Krk: I must kill him. TO DETH!

Krk's brd: Plz to help us! We are under attack and being killed to DETH! Also: Do not send Krk, becos he is a See You Next Tuesday.

Starfleet: OK. We are sending Krk on Teh Strshp Ntaprz.

Krk's brd: That is full of FAIL

Krk: Hello. I am J Krk and I am excellent. I am also here to rescue all the shexxxy female scientists, who will then conduct a series of naked experiments into how excellent I am.

Spck: USS Reliant Robin is also here. Don't worry sir, it's one of ours and they'll never try to kill us TO DETH.

Khn: Die! Krk! Die!

Spck: As a Vulcan, I am quite unable to profane. However, in these circumstances, I may permit myself a few seconds to say 'Fucking fucking fucking fuckity fuck'.

Krk: Scotch Scotty - dmg reprt, plz

Scotch Scotty: Hoots mon och, help ma boab jings crivens the dilithium crystals cannae tak it cap'n! I never wanted this job. I'm Canadian, for the love of crikey

Uhura: USS Reliant Robin on the line, sir. And you still would, even though I'm over fifty

Krk: A hub a hub a hub a hib a hub hub. On main scrn, plz

Khn: LOLOLOLZERZ!

Krk: WTF?!

Khn: It is I, Khn. I hav come to kill you TO DETH. Plz to send us everything you know about Genesis. I also has special guest.

Chkov: Hello, Keptin. Teh mind control: I has it.

Krk: Oh, you TWAT!

Spck: Captain. We have loads of Genesis. Ask him if he wants the Phil Collins solo stuff as well.

Khn: No. Nothing by that baldy twat. Plz to send Genesis and Peter Gabriel only, or I will fck you TO DETH.

Krk: OK, you can haz Genesis. LOL

Khn: Why LOL?

Krk: We send you TEH BIRDY SONG. And virus. DIE! DIE! DIE!

Khn: ONOZ!

Krk: Now to rescue all the shexxxy naked and soapy female scientists. Oh. They are all TEH DED.

Spck: Although I might redeem myself slightly by pointing out that some of the survivors appear to be inside that small moon.

O-W Kenobi: That's no moon.

Krk: Fck off. This is our movie.

O-W Kenobi: Soz. LOL

Krk: Hello shexxxy female scientists! I am here to rescue you and then ...oh... I've already had you, haven't I?

Mrs Krk: And you were crap

Krk: And who is this lovely blonde thing?

Krk's bird: This is yr son. LOL

Krk's son: Hi dad!

Krk: Fck that Jeremy Kyle.

Khn: Hello! I am on ur radio saying 'Now to kill u TO DETH'. Now to kill u TO DETH. LOLZ

Chkov: Sorry, Keptin. I've got to kill u TO DETH. Oh. I cannot, and now I am feeling better. Also: Nuclear wessels.

Krk: LOL! Ur plan: It is full of FAIL

Khn: No, it is full of WIN. U R trapped inside planet. ROFFLE

Krk: KHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!KHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Khn: If I might repeat myself at this point: ROFFLE

Spck: I have rescued you from Khn, by using CODES. CODES and SCIENCE. LOL

Krk: Now to run away. TO TEH NOBULA!

Khn: LOL! Krk - he is running away to TEH NOBULA, where I really will kill him TO DETH with TEH GENESIS COLLECTION

Krk: Oh yeah? Shooty shooty bang bang!

Khn: Well, double dumbass shooty shooty bang bang back at ya. Ouch. That hurt.

Krk: LOLOLOL! Now to close in for TEH KILL. WTF?

Scotch Scotty: Hoots och mon help ma boab teh warp drive: we have fcked it

Khn: And now I have selected "Easy Lover" from TEH GENESIS COLLECTION and we will all get killed TO DETH together. I cannot help feeling that despite my superior intellect, there might be a flaw in this plan, viz my actual dying.

Krk: ONOZ! Scotch Scotty! Plz to fix teh warp drive before "Easy Lover" comes on.

Scotch Scotty: Jings! Crivens! Stitch that Jimmy! Soz, we cannae fix teh warp drive. We haz bought a Dyson, and the nearest service agent is on Rigel III.

Spck: The needs of the many by far outweigh my need to done a poo. My l33t warp drive sk1llz - let me show you them.

McCoy: Speak English, you spacetard. I'm a doctor, not a crossword compiler.

Scotch Scotty: Teh Warp Drive - it is fixed. Nice one Spck. LOL

Khn: She's an Easy Lover...Oh. I am TEH DED.

Krk: Run away! I have saved teh Strshp Ntaprz, all on my own, because I am excellent. When I get back to Starfleet, all the naked, soapy space admirals from the Planet Nookie will want to sex me RIGHT UP

Scotch Scotty: Help ma boab! Och aye the noo! Spck is TEH DYING. DYING TO DETH

Krk: Spck! Plz to not die! Say some heroic last words, or something

Spck: "Bosoms"

Krk: WTF?!

Spck: Five fcking years sitting next to Lt Uhura in that miniskirt and the enormous chest. And I never once got to see her bosoms.

Krk: I have. LOLOL

Spck: You're a bastrd, J. T. Krk. A right, bleeding bastrd. Now I am teh ded. Or am I?

Krk: Yes. Yes he is. Or is he?

Spck: Yes. Yes I am. Or am I? Book ur tickets for Star Trek III: It's Still Got Spock In It Because He's Not Actually TEH DED

Krk: Is this the bit where we get to sing "Row row row your boat?"

McCoy: Try it and I poison you. Did I ever tell you my real name's Shipman?

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