"Turkish Delight?" asks The Fragrant Mrs Duck.
No. I cannot eat Turkish Delight, and I tell her why.
"It's dead people. It's how old people's homes make their money."
You see, that whole Soylent Green thing is a myth. It's actually red, and comes covered in chocolate.
"All the more for me, then," she says in triumph, not knowing what passes between those sweet, sweet lips.
I have not finished.
"And I'll tell you what else they make out of dead people," I say.
Her eyes roll in that well-practiced "here we go" expression.
"I'll tell you what else they make out of dead people," I say as an advertisement for a well-known DIY chain appears on the television, "Loft insulation."
"Right."
"Tesco Value guitar strings. Kebabs. Daniel O'Donnell fans."
"Anything else?"
"The inside of Etch-a-Sketch machines."
And another thing.
"I am not mad."
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