On fighting the law, and the law losing

On fighting the law, and the law losing

For reasons far too complicated to explain, I find myself in a bar with a serving member of Her Majesty's Police Forces. And things being such as they are, I feel it is my chance to ask a few pointed questions.

"What's the best way of doing a murder and not getting caught for it?"

"I'm afraid that's not strictly my department, sir."

Adopt, adapt, improve, as they say.

"What's the best way of robbing a Post Office and not getting caught for it?"

"I'm afraid that's not strictly my department either, sir."

OK. Right.

"What's the best way of holding a death race around London's North Circular and not getting caught for it?"

"Like I said: I'm afraid that's not strictly my department, sir."

Ye Gods! Doesn't anybody do any policing these days?

"What's the best way of organising an inclusive, gender- and sexuality-neutral community project that discourages Anti-Social behaviour patterns and fosters a spirit of community and societal well-being with the medium-term aim of cutting re-offending rates by a measurble target of 27 per cent, paid for by a private-public funding initative which would be fully audited at the end of the coming tax year, and not get caught for it?"

"Well... we'd organise a series of meetings with local and regional stake-holders, and after procuring the correct documentation and studying the proper procedures for such events, I'd apply for a..."

That, Richard Littlejohn, is how you do satire.